Not-tasteless

[StevieJS]

Teacher: Stevie, if you have 5 cans and Geoff asks for one can, how many would you have left? Stevie: 5

LMAO ! Gold Geoff !!!

[billynomates]

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being good in bed..."

After 2 minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

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My missus was complaining that I've never taken her out. God knows I've tried, but I punch like a girl.
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My missus gave me £50 and told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. You should've seen her face when I came home pissed!

[billynomates]

I had no idea time zones were so far apart... Just landed in China and it's New Year apparantly.
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"I've just been asked for my ID in the off licence" said my 30 year old wife smugly "They wanted to see if I was old enough".

I was a bit confused "Why are you so happy then? There's no way you qualify for the pensioner discount yet"
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I went to the shops to buy some mint chocolates, but I didn't know what to get.
I spoke to the woman on the till. She said: "Do you like hard cores or the softer type?"
"Both, but I'm after the mints, love."
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I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a piss. I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away, I turned and looked again and the little twat was winking at me like crazy! Disturbed by this, I said "Are you gay? Do u fancy me or something?" he replied " No you're splashing in my fucking eyes!"
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Found my wife's vibrator the other day.

Now I'm not saying it was big but I'm seriously thinking about entering it in Robot Wars
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I took my 12 year old son camping at the weekend.

As we sat around the fire he said, "Dad, I need a shit."

"Go and have one then" I said, "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere you want and you can't get into trouble."

He walked off and came back a few minutes later.

"Where did you have one?" I asked.

He said, "In the back of the car."

[billynomates]

At first my wife was horrified when she found me trying on her clothes, but I managed to calm her down.

"Be sensible," I said, "You're hardly going to pass your driving test if you take it yourself."
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'What's the difference between a toilet and a fridge?'
'don't know?'

'You're disgusting.'
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How many seconds are there in an hour?

About 8 if you take my wife to a buffet.
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I'm moving to the USA and have been told what I need to get my driving licence: Driving lessons, buy a driving manual, get a letter from the SSA, apply for an ITIN, pass a written test, pass a visual test, pass a road test, pay loads of fees and show proof of liability insurance.

that's tough, imagine how hard it is to get a gun.
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I asked a girl in a bar if she was interested in having sex with me.

"I'd rather go home and masturbate." she abruptly replied.

I said, "Fine. Let's do that."
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Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him.

Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.

Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.

Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.

"That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."

Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft."

[billynomates]

My first wank was a lot like when I learnt to ride a bike.

I didn't mind the fact that my dad had to show me, but why did I then have to do it in front of the whole family?
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A hippy is hitch-hiking to Glastonbury when a lorry pulls over and picks him up.
They sit in silence for 15 minutes until the hippy says, "well, aren't you gonna ask?"
"Ask you what?" says the rough looking driver.
"If I'm a boy or a girl," says the hippy.
"Don't care.....I'm gonna fuck you anyway!" says the driver.
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I asked my girlfriend if we could try a new position the other day... A 73.

"A 73?" she said...

"Yes it's like a 69, but I'll put 4 fingers up your arse!!"
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde girl wearing the tightest jeans he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks the blonde, "How do you get into those jeans?"

The young girl looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

[billynomates]

During one of our lessons I asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
"My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer." Said Simon.
"Very good Simon. Anyone else?"
"My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy.
"Excellent Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked.
"No Sir, he's just the hardest cunt in there.
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born ?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.
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I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed.

Or foreplay, as she likes to call it.
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Roger and his wife have been seeing a marriage counsellor for a few months. After a particularly awkward session discussing their sex life, Roger takes the counsellor aside and asks if he has any tips on foreplay.

"Well," says the counsellor, "I know a good move. Get down between her legs and lick her her pussy, just once, then blow on it, then give it another lick. Do this until you hear her start to moan, then take your middle finger and ram it up her arse ..."

"Ooh," says Roger, "I don't think she'd like that."

"Believe me," says the counsellor with a wink, "she does."

[billynomates]

A woman was looking for a Valentine's card in a shop, but none seem quite right.

The attendant said she had some new ones that were behind the counter. The woman flicked through them and found the perfect one that read 'With all my love, to the one that took my virginity'.

"Yep, this is the one" she said. "I'll take another 11 please.
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At last I've managed to find my girlfriend's G-spot!

Who would have thought her sister had it all the time?
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1224488
I walked in with 5 bunches of flowers for my wife today.

"Happy Valentines day, babe!" I smiled.

"Oh my god, theyre gorgeous!!" she burst out with delight. "Where did you get them from?"

"Down the street," I winked.

"From that posh florist?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "From the lampost where that kid got ran over yesterday."
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[billynomates]

My wife told me I can be a pain in the ass.

Apparently that's not an innuendo for 'I fancy anal.'
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Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "if you knew they were to drop a bomb in 30 mins, what would be the first thing you would do?"

The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?"

The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."
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The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it.

Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
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[billynomates]

A man was lying on the top bunk in his prison cell when a massive black guy was brought into the cell. The beast of a black man got out his dick, which was huge, he wacked it on the table. The table smashed to bits. He smacked it against the chair. The chair smashed to bits. The black guy looked at the man on the top bunk and said "you get down here now and I'm gonna stick my dick firmly up your arse". The man on the top bunk looked at him and replied "thank goodness for that I thought you were going to hit me with it!".
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My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
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[billynomates]

Little Johnny comes home with wet hair.

"Why is your hair wet, Johnny?" asks his mother

"Me and Bobby were playing doggy," says Johnny.

"That doesn't make your hair wet."

"It does when it's your turn to be the lamp post."
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Premature Ejaculator seeks young, attractive woman for fling.Must have large breasts, big lips a tight arse and

Oh, ahhhhhh fuck it... nevermind.
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I'm always woken up by the milkman, banging around and moaning.

If he's going to have sex with my wife he could at least be quiet.
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A nice looking girl enters a pet shop looking to by a new animal when she comes across this frog that costs £10,000. Shocked, she goes up to the owner and asks why it cost so much.
The man explains that this frog is special, it can give women great oral sex but the woman doesn't look convinced.
'Come round the back and I'll let you have a free sample' said the man, as he picked up the frog.
So he takes her round the back sits her down on the chair, she spreads her legs and he positions the frog in front of her, but nothing happens.
'maybe it might work if you take off your pants' he says to her, so she takes them off, but still nothing happens.
so the man leans down to the frog and shouts 'this is getting ridiculous now, this is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!'