For Europeans

[billynomates]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
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When I heard that Russell Brand is said to be devastated following the collapse of his marriage to Katy Perry amid rumours that she cheated on him, I just knew I had to do something hilariously funny to cheer him up.

I can't wait until he gets home tonight and listens to his voicemail.
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I've just watched the pirates of the caribbean : at worlds end, and its just such an unrealistic story, I mean a French pirate that doesn't sail with a white flag raised?
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In the next couple of hours, Britain will be with the rest of the world, partying hard for New Years. Then in a few hours time, along comes America, late to the party, claiming it as its own.

Sound familiar?

[billynomates]

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town.



The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.



The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.


The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.



The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.



The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.



The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.



The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.



At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.



No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works

[billynomates]

What's red and white and gets fucked by swans? Arsenal.

[billynomates]

This is the Captain of your ship calling....

I'm on shore, it's time to man the life boats.
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My Father was a son of a bitch and my Mother was the daughter of a whore.
I guess that makes me...French
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I took a really big fat shit camping at the weekend.

James Corden.
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Manchester United are pleased to announce Howard Webb is fully fit for there match against Chelsea on sunday.
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The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship. But they have now swapped sides and have declared war on the survivors.
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[billynomates]

John Terry has described losing the England captaincy as the most disappointing thing to happen to him since he ran out of petrol on the way to Wayne Bridge's house.
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Catherine Zeta Jones on queens honours list. Won't be the first time someone three times her age has asked her to kneel down infront of them
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John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband.

"I didn't lose it," he snapped. "Some black twat must've stolen it."
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John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012.

So he's free to lead his country into Poland.

Just like his hero did
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Girl says to Paddy,
"Would you like a blow job?" Paddy replies "I don't know will it affect my job seekers allowance?"
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Italian cruise ship captain walks into a pub:- "Whiskey please barman..."

"On the rocks, sir?"

"Stick it up your arse!"
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[Night Nurse]

[billynomates]

Just put £100 treble on my 3 to go down:

Wigan, John Terry and Harry Redknapp.
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I met Anthony Worrall Thompson in Tesco's and I asked him if he'd tell me the cheapest way to make a chicken and cheese pasta dish, in a nice wine sauce.




The unhelpful arsehole just winked at me and said he likes to keep things under his hat.

I only asked.
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What's deep and smells of cheddar?

Anthony Worrall Thompson's pocket.
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So, Prince William dropped his chopper into Kate Middleton's backyard the other day.

I'm sure there's a double entendre there somewhere but I just can't see it.
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The owners of the Costa Concordia have stated that their next captain will be guaranteed not to hit anything.......Fernando Torres starts work on Monday.

[billynomates]

My wife picked me up from work on Friday. She surprised me with a romantic weekend away in Paris.

It was like a little adventure! Driving on the wrong side of the road and having people beeping their horns and shouting insults in foreign langauges.

But she somehow managed to get through London and arrived at Heathrow.
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Me and my son went to see Liverpool last night, and it lived up to expectations.

Our car was stolen.
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Reports are suggesting the cat was an undercover agent for the RSPCA investigating claims that Liverpool FC are forcing a donkey to work as a striker.
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Which three English League teams have swear words in their name?

1) Arsenal.
2) Scunthorpe United.
3) Manchester Fucking United.
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A Mackem fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV. The announcer says that Sunderland have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead.
"That's amazing," says the barman, "what does he do when they win?"

The Mackem Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies, "I dunno... I've only had the dog for eight months."
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How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1997 light bulb changing" commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to London
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[DDT]

the 2nd was quite accurate...lol

[billynomates]

Celtic have confirmed that they will be holding a minute's silence at their next game after the tragic death of Rangers's title chances.
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Luis Suarez has apologised for not shaking hands with Evra.

"I didn't realise it was him," he said. "They all look the same."
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Tevez:'I was treated like a dog!'

Not even Harry Redknapps dog earns 200k a week.
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Luis Suarez is out for a drink with Patrice Evra to say sorry for not shaking his hand.

"A pint of San Miguel for me and a carton of Um Bongo for my new friend"